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2003-06-28 - 8:48 p.m.
Threat for the Week: "This is the way of things, 24601. You work in the rock fields, you eat your bread and drink your water ... and you will be free as soon as WHEEL UPDATES! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Come one, come all, there's room to stand and we can't stand room! Ladles and Bentley mints, boils and ghouls, killed wrens on all pages ... Step right up and partake of ... The dazzling Discordian demagoguery! The cranium-crisping conspiracies! The pain-inducing pungency! Hip history! Obliteratingly over-the-top observations! Slick societal salvos! Wit, charm, grace and style unmatched throughout the known world! All this and ... the RETURN! ... of the man Theodore Roosevelt once called "a bit of a bully when it comes to mousse" after a state dinner ... ... of the man who was responsible for the advertising campaign for the decorticator which put such a frosting in Willie Hearst's shorts ... ... of the man whom Aldous Huxley referred to as "pretty far out" ... ... of the man who almost persuaded the four young men from Liverpool to go with his band name, "'Red' Lennon and his Crack Marxmen" ... ... of the man who loaned Jimi Hendrix his Zippo at Woodstock ... ... of the man who loaned G. Gordon Liddy his Zippo during the secret prayer session at the Lincoln Memorial ... ... of the man who stole a small but crucial component of Gary Powers' U2 spyplane to use as a makeshift bottle opener for his Yoo-Hoo ... ... of the man who got the spooks off his back by wiring a message to Clinton complimenting him on his luggage-packing skills ... ... of the man they call .... WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL! And THIS is ...
:: We fade in to a lovely studio which looks disturbingly like the old Match Game set. Wheel comes striding out in his sequined Hawaiian-print tuxedo with gold and silver shoes and gleaming white tooth caps. :: Deer fiends and lentil parts, loved buns, and all the particles of my nuclear family ... welcome! Welcome to Wheel's 50th Manuversary. My, my. It's been a heckuva ... :: checks watch :: ... fifteen months. And we've had some good times, haven't we? Let's look back at some of those great moments ... please, join us for ...  With commentary track! My first big hit: Ah, yes. I remember this one well. Look at my charming nervousness there ... I swear, I don't know how I delivered those lines, because the shoot was so hectic ... fortunately, Jimmy Breslin dropped by the set, and he's just a rock. A true professional. I did a little more character development, and played a little bit with the "insanity" schtick because that was big at the time with the demographics I was aiming for, and then I came across ... My first work of any note: At least in my humble opinion. It really felt wonderful to be able to spew and spew and spew until the whole of the Internet was awash, so to speak, in my own gleaming bile. Of course, Spider Jerusalem was forced to use the flux capacitor attachment for his bowel disruptor to punish me for stealing his title. And rightly so. Ah, that Spider Jerusalem. He's just a rock. A true professional. Then I went on about recipes and tried to stretch a conspiracy theory chain to absurd lengths - but provided a nice summary of my favorite conspiracy books in so doing - but really, my next "hit" was, of course ... My big Presidential controversy: Most political races are hotbeds of scandal and political intrigue straight out of the gate, but this was even more scintillating than most, as a handful of Diarylanders ran for President of the Un-Knighted Steaks of Amirrorica. My campaign was marked by a great respect for the voter and a devotion to truth and fairness. Which is why I won. Good show all around, though. And of course, I have to be grateful for the political advice from James Carville, who is just a rock. A true professional. I went on for a while longer, through a bit of a ratings lull, covering with filler episodes, but then I got some hype for ... My first and second theories: Although more hype was certainly built for the first, which has since been entered into the Book of Immortal Knowledge by the Monks of Linguo. And of course, the first theory couldn't have been completed without the good efforts of Billy Barty, who was just a rock. A true professional. And of course, my newspaper rerun was a big hit, drawing some impressive ratings and at least one great commercial endorsement. Then I rambled on about leaving school some more, stretching that out a bit further than I perhaps needed to ... we considered bringing on a new director, but the deal with Aronofsky fell through. You've gotta roll with these things, though. Not everyone is a rock and a true professional. There was a bit of a theme with "every X days or your money back" started, but that wasn't going anywhere. Fortunately, it wasn't long afterwards that I managed to produce ... My biggest hit ever: Man, this was a classic. This was the Citizen Kane of Wheel diary entries. Everyone who lists me as a favorite (well, except Julieclipse. And the Magistrate. Shut up.) lists this as at least one of their choices. What can be said about it? I'd like to thank the Hawaiian Shirt Appreciation Society, of course ... oh, and Mel Brooks, who's just a rock, gave me #1. He's a true professional. This, of course, sent me into a creative tailspin. I didn't write a thing for quite a while, and the advertisers started pulling out ... fortunately, I managed to get a bit of momentum going by snitching off of Kevin Costner, of all people. And then I hit ... My poetic phase: Two poems which certainly bear consideration for the annals of literary history, I'd dare say. Of course, I was guided in the writing by a ghost who's just a rock, Virgil. A true professional. Of course, everyone loves good poetry, but that doesn't explain why they like this. I am proud of rhyming "fridge" and "the Battle of Edson's Ridge", though. But like all my creative successes, this froze me up, so I relied on cheap gimmicks to get me through my last few straggling entries, as we built up towards ...  Which brings us back to the here and now! Thank you, thank you! No, YOU'RE wonderful! You! Who loves ya, baby? :: Thunderous applause. :: And now, of course, I suppose we should get on to the new material. Well ... Ahem. :: adjusts tie :: It's been ... :: checks watch :: ... a little while since the last time we talked about what exciting things are happening at WheelCo. Hmm. :: coughs :: Guess I'd better do a quick SUMMARY! :: Wheel looks down with a forlorn moue while the girls in the crowd "Awwwww ..." in unison. But then he looks up with a grin. :: ... so you can't touch ... but you can still LOOK! :: Wheel breaks into his custom Heartbreak Kid dance to raucous cheers. :: II. Whew! Okay, okay. Well, my former job dried up months ago, so I've looked around for new employment, and the closest I came was when the representative of this ice cream cult who called me in for an interview because, despite having filled his quota of employees, he found my application "interesting" and wanted to meet me. Moreover, he wants me to meet some of the "leaders" of the company. I'm playing along for now, but I swear, if there's a Jonestown Crunch flavor on the menu, I'm a MEMORY. III. And ... and that's about it, really. My dear friend OneGreyCrow (don't click the link until the bastard puts in an entry) moved out, and we've got to get the house shipshape fast because the lazy, whiskey-sodden, mother-grabbing bastard of a repairman the landlod sent over to fix our leaky roof gave him a nasty report about our cleanliness habits. Moreover, we've got to find concrete accommodations REAL soon. Oy. Well, that's about it for our show. We hope you've enjoyed this cheesy clip show ... errr ... look back at Wheel's amazing career ... and here's to fifty MORE ... thingamawhoozits. So ... until next time ...  
 
*****
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