Wheel! Of! FISH!

He's the Mandela!

2003-01-31 - 2:55 p.m.

Soundtrack: "All Along the Watchtower" by Jimi Hendrix and the Band of Gypsies, Live from Monterey Pop

Threat for the Week: "Clear and present danger."

So I made the mistake today, in my long three-hour break period from teaching Character Education to seventh-graders (a mind-numbing labyrinth of terror that would send Hercules weeping back to the Grecian hinterlands to strangle snakes), of attempting to digest the world news via the trusty ol' AP, Reuters, the Times, and a handful of raw worldwire stuff. Good old Yahoo! News. So occasionally reliable and mostly unbiased. Sometimes.

Anyway, I was paging through the joyful Africa section of the Yahoo! World News and, in between articles on Ivorian rebels stoning French nationals and Congoese rebels invading and eating entire villages in the north by way of paramilitary reprisal, I came across this fascinating piece.

Nelson Mandela. One of the most inspirational and beloved political figures on the planet, a man who brought some dignity back to the Nobel Peace prize (which seemed absolutely RIDICULOUS after Kissinger put it on his mantel), a man who is REVERED for his insight, his spirit, his absolute shining HEART ...

Mandela is all OVER Bush's sorry ass.

Hear that, citizens?

The Shrub has managed to piss off NELSON MANDELA.

Mandela's just spitting venom right into his damn eyes, accusing him of planning a holocaust over his crass desire for oil and, my personal favorite, calling him "a president with no foresight who cannot think properly."

That's how Nobel Peace Prize winners call you a retarded lunatic.

He called Tony Blair "the foreign minister of the United States"!

Nelson Mandela!

It's better than Gandhi bitchslapping a man with a monocle and a pith helmet.

It's better than the Apostle Peter ro-sham-boing a Sadducee.

So of course, the White House's own personal Goebbels, Ari Fleischer, had to sadly say that some people are just willing to stand by and do nothing while Iraq (and the Axis of Evil [and terrorist networks {and American freebooters (and your mom)}]) plan the DESTRUCTION OF ALL LIFE ON EARTH.

Like those damned pansies in France and Germany. Who the hell do they think they are, demanding that we have some sort of "mandate" or "support" for sending a "massive invasion" into a "non-hostile power" without "any conceivable reason" beyond "the paranoid fantasies of upper-crust halfwit racists".

That's why they lost the Big One!

No balls!

Nelson Mandela, pfiffle!

He and the rest of the peacenik freebooters will get theirs after we're done moppin' up them towelhead bastards!

And as an extra-added-fun bonus to ensure national security and make the world a more generally terrifying place, eyeball this ever-lovin' piece. Have YOU heard of this new safe country agreement? I'd wager not. Most of you loyal citizens have the good fortune to be of non-Mohammedan origins, and are thus not among the targeted audience for this act, which will allow -- or, for all realistic intents and purposes, require -- Canadian border authorities to TURN AWAY American nationals seeking political refuge on the grounds that there is no need to seek asylum from a SAFE country, like the Great American States! Of COURSE! Go back home, Ahmed, and get registered! Then you'll be good and safe. Until we need your testimony. For a special military tribunal. In an undisclosed location. Don't worry, my little Pakistani friend, it'll be like a vacation! Stay at the beautiful beaches of Club Fed here in Guantanamo Bay!

Now, saddle up, pardners, 'cuz the Bushwhacker is gunna ride us into the sunset.

...

By which I mean, it's all going to end in a huge ball of fire.

- \/\/heel, at any rate, I still love Nelson.

And speaking of the end of the world, be sure to take this survey that I wrote during the orgy of feature-exploration I indulged when I bought myself a Gold membership.