Wheel! Of! FISH!

Smithers, release the Heinz!

2003-01-17 - 12:14 p.m.

Soundtrack: "Tales from the Vienna Woods" by Strauss

Threat for the Week™: "I lost count of the ways to skin a cat six years ago, kitty."

Let's play ketchup:

1. I went home for Christmas not knowing what to expect, given a set of circumstances far too tortuous to describe here, and was rewarded with a set of authentically Charlie Brown™ holiday miracles for which I am outrageously grateful, as well as a copy of Kingdom Hearts which I have been playing faithfully¹. It was a Christmas which poured sweet nectareous faith back into a number of dusty vessels I'd been harboring in my heart, and scraped some scales off my lizardman's eyes. And in case my mom is reading, I love her.

2. I saw a live World Wrestling Entertainment show for the first time in over two years, and a house show² at that, the first I have attended in over eight years. It was excellent ... although I was rather shaken as I looked around the basketball-gym-cum-country-western-music-hall known as Robarts Arena, the crown jewel of the famed Sarasota Fairgrounds ... and I realized that the superstars of the WWE had been unable to fill this 2,500 seat hall. Terrible. I, however, had a wonderful time, meeting the various yokels and lunatics and pre-teens and mentally-handicapped folk and eldsters and men with mullets and plaid shirts and heavyset women with rolled posterboard and dry-erase markers tucked under their arms who make up the fanbase of this most noble of sports. I saw some of the most incredible hairstyles I've ever encountered, especially one phenomenally towering reverse duck-ass which quivered like a Jell-O mold. I saw enough flannel to sink an Oregon barge and I also saw a surprising number of really great old wrestling T-shirts ... I myself would have worn my famous "Dude Love" T-shirt, which Mick Foley himself complimented me on ... but I had left it at home over Thanksgiving, so I had to be sated with either my limited edition RVD shirt, which I rejected on the grounds that RVD wasn't going to be there, my Kaientai shirt, which I rejected on the grounds of it being too dirty, or my Sumo shirt, which I finally went with. I could've worn my Mankind "Have a Nice Day!" shirt, but it's rather ratty, frankly, and I wanted to look my best for the superstars. Besides, the Sumo shirt has these excellent little cartoon sumos all around the logo. I love those little guys. Yes, the show was overall fantastic, with some workers seeming a trifle lackadaisical before the tiny and somewhat quiet crowd, and others seeming to derive a great deal of what may have been nostalgic pleasure, hearkening back to their pre-television days, when they could work before a hall of 300 for 15 dollars and beer. I got to see Chris Benoit, the most intense and frightening man I've ever seen at a live show, with a grace and beauty to his movements that reminded me of a very angry swan who for some reason enjoyed chopping and headbutting people. I got an early, and very revealing, peek at Gail Kim, a gorgeous new Asian diva who will be debuting on television soon as she lost a valiant struggle to the luscious Dawn Marie in a bra and panties match, showing off a lovely springboard armdrag and a crisp huracanrana in addition to her shiny white lingerie. I briefly saw Kurt Angle, my personal hero, along with the highly-intimidating Brock Lesnar, and the Big Show. And a huge hairy bald man named Albert singled me out during his opening contest match and threatened to break my back if I didn't shut the fuck up. It was a hallmark moment in my fandom career, matched only by the time I accidentally broke a railing and almost crushed heavyweight champion Shawn Michaels under a wall of shrieking fans. Good times. I've been wanting to talk about that for ages.

3. My file has been lost in the shuffle of new administrative hirings down at dear old Sub Central, and as such your intrepid Wheel has been without the slightest hint of payola for quite some time. I'm considering a career in organized crime, supervillainy, or floristry in the near future, so if you hear of any openings, please light the Wheel-Signal.

...

Oh, my darling kinder?

What, didn't I mention this before?

No. No, I didn't.

Yes, a REAL teacher came back from maternity leave to take my little noogie-heads away from my tender tentacles. Your valiant Freedom Fighter is no longer in command of the next generation. It was a mournful moment for all mankind, backdropped by gray clouds and tearful Gypsy violin music as the notorious and doting Mr. Wheel slumped away from the school of such happy memories and went to wait two hours for a late city bus home.

Those are the breaks. Shigata ga nai, neh?³

4. The wedding is coming along smashingly, by far the best thing I've ever helped organize in terms of timeliness, efficiency, budgeting and sheer brilliance. It will be a ceremony to remember, and all of you who know where I live and want to come pick up an invitation are welcome to do so unless you're already on the mailing list. If you try to double-dip on invitations, ancient wedding tradition declares I get to ro-sham-bo you for it. We've got the wedding bands, although Julieclipse's needs to be resized; the page is beautifully done and receiving rave reviews from my family, and ... don't you think you'd better go out and get us a gift NOW to avoid the rush? Better get two. Just to be on the safe side.

5. Although my noble clockwork steed Mssr. Napoleon Regatta died a lingering and unfortunate death not too long ago, I've finally managed to find the corpselike hulk of a bike which fits all my specifications, in that it was free, I can ride it without gashing my knees, and it doesn't look like it's going to fall apart in the next five months. I had to gnaw through a rusted steel chain to get it, but that's why I drink so much milk. I've tentatively named him Banner, because he's big, green, and angry-looking.

And he has a rusty seat post, but that's nothing WD-40 can't fix.

Did THAT have anything to do with naming him Banner?

What are you, an idiot?

- "Where there's a \/\/heel, there's a way."

¹:Kingdom Hearts is the brilliantly-conceived masterpiece of PS2 roleplaying created by the masters at Squaresoft and the good people at Disney Interactive. It features Donald Duck hurling fireballs. Honest to God. It's a really spectacular game, and I'd be even more ecstatic and raving if I hadn't finished it last night only to have it freeze during the massive ending animation. Because I've got a microscopic nick on the disc. I fragging hate optical technology. Why isn't this game on wax cylinders?

²: A house show is the trade name for a show which is not televised or taped for later broadcast, generally in small venues and featuring rarely-seen and pre-debut superstars and field-tested gimmicks, feuds and angles.

³: "What can you do, eh?"