2002-04-29 - 6:32 p.m.

Ahoi-hoi, Children of the Revolution.

Today I will edify your minds with a brief sampling of some of the many world-shaking universe-shaping cosmos-altering theories I think up in my spare time between re-reading my Flaming Carrot comix and trying to force my fifty-cent statue of Ganesh obtained from a hidden shopfront in deepest Berkeley known as "The Little Tibet Emporium" to reveal the secrets of unreality, or at least to wave his little trunk.

Yes, my theories. They swirl through my brain like fractals waltzing to unheard tunes. They paint the sky in a thousand shades of new truths and old hoaxes, and they strip away the fragile backdrops of existence to reveal the shocked grips, beffuddled gophers and irritable stage directors that make up our cosmology.

My mind-shattering theory for your consumption:

I posit, first and foremost, that any movie with midgets in it cannot be a bad movie.

As an aside, I should say here that this is not a reversible statement. All good movies do not feature midgets, but all movies featuring midgets are good movies. Ipso facto.

Midgets carry great cinema with them wherever they go. Just as it was true in the 18th and 19th centuries that no army with a Prussian officer could be a bad army, so it is with midgets on film. No matter what the role, what the rationale, what the reasoning, the appearance of a midget is an indubitable harbinger of entertainment unparalleled in the annals of modern man. Allow me to cite a few modest examples:

1. The Adventures of Baron Munchausen my favorite movie of all time, and surely one that should come foremost in everyone's mind when thinking of great art. This movie features the immortal Jack Purvis as Gustavus, the midget with huge ears and powerful lungs. A handful of other midgets appear artfully placed throughout the film, in the background of crowd scenes and, notably, leading the blind headsman in the Sultan's Palace. Some would argue that the Midgets in Movies theory should be more dependent on volume, and I would largely agree. More midgets equal more greatness. It's a simple enough veracity. However, as Baron Munchausen is my favorite movie of all time, I was forced to consider the:

Which states that if there if there are only one or at most three midgets appearing in a movie, the movie is still to be considered great and heralded above all others if the midget has SUPER POWERS. Since Gustavus had TWO super powers, including one that scored at least a 5 on the Citywide Destruction Scale, it stands to reason that The Adventures of Baron Munchausen should have swept the Oscars in 1988.

2. Time Bandits Conincidentally, my second favorite movie of all time. I considered, deep in the recesses of my philosophical genius, composing the "Terry Gilliam Rules!" Theory of Movies, but I decided in retrospect that anyone who needed to have that pointed out to them would more than likely not be able to read my columns in the first place.

Time Bandits is FULL of midgets. They are the heart and soul of the cast. With the great charisma of Warwick Davis backed up by men such as Jack Purvis and Kenny Baker, this movie cannot fail. A large group of midgets in a collective leading role who travel through time. Bloody brilliant. If even one of them had a superpower, I'm certain this movie would even manage to surpass Baron Munchausen.

Also, I feel I should mention Brazil here, as it was the second of Terry Gilliam's Mysterious Trilogy of Life y'know, Time Bandits was the illusions of childhood, Brazil was the illusions of the working man, and Baron Munchausen is the illusions of the old and dying. Brazil is a great movie, featuring Jack Purvis in a short but memorable role as Dr. Chapman. This movie is more carried by the interesting effects and Robert DeNiro as a covert plumber than by midget power, although the presence of Purvis does put the stamp of infallible goodness on the film.

3. Almost any number of fantasy movies, especially Willow, a movie absolutely chock full of midgets, many with superpowers, which only failed to become the greatest movie of all time because of the:

Any movie which features two old women fist-fighting in the rain AND is directed by the hated Ron Howard must be condemned to a low place in the hierarchy of great midget films, despite a truly amazing volume of midgets, many with superpowers.

Not to say Willow was at all a bad movie. Indeed, it's a heart-warming favorite of mine, and my second favorite Val Kilmer movie. But it's not Baron Munchausen or Time Bandits.

There's also Labyrinth, The Dark Crystal, and most recently both The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring which featured not only actors made to LOOK like midgets, which makes them all the more enjoyable (see Fifth Corollary, below), but also a variety of actual midgets put in for color, and the highly-notable Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, which featured the immortal Warwick Davis as Professor Flitwick and many midgets as Gringold's Goblins.

No one would deny that any fantasy movie which features a midget can help but be a good movie.

4. The Wizard of Oz and Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory are two of the first movies to spring to people's minds when they think of midgets and film. The lovable Munchkins and the solemn Oompa-Loompas are indeed the hallmarks of great film. Both of these beloved classics owe a large part of their immortality to the presence of singing midgets, which reminds me of:

Midgets make a movie good. Midgets with super-powers make a movie great. Singing midgets make a movie immortal.

5. The Star Wars franchise In movies like A New Hope and The Empire Strikes Back, characters such as R2D2, piloted by the indomitable Kenny Baker, carry the film on their short shoulders, while the exotic alien faunae are ruggedly handled by midgets such as my hero Jack Purvis, who appeared as a Jawa, an Ughnaught, and a handful of other aliens. In fact, almost the entire cast of Time Bandits, who is for that matter a good fraction of the cast of Willow appear throughout the franchise.

Now, this does raise two important questions:

A. The Ewoks were midgets. The Ewoks are hated. How can the presence of Ewoks, which ruins The Return of the Jedi fit in with Wheel's Midget Theory of Movies?

An excellent question. First of all, I would advise you to shut up. Yes, they were cute and fuzzy. Yes, they whooped the Stormtroopers' collective armored butts. So what? Did that stop you from watching the movie? Did it detract from your enjoyment of the climactic finale? Of course not. Do you know why? Because it was a good movie. And the presence of midgets guarantees a good movie. Nothing in the Wheel's Midget Theory of Movies mentions the role the midgets play. You do not have to enjoy the midget's presence, although if you don't you are clearly a Philistine and a barbarian. The midget simply has to be there. Midgito, ergo es.

And frankly, I liked the Ewoks. If you think it was unreasonable that a bunch of jungle-dwelling pre-technical natives should harry and defeat a well-trained heavily-equipped army of techno-soldiers, try asking the Japanese about how much fun it was to fight the Hukbalahap, or the Vietnamese about hunting the Hmong. For that matter, ask an American about what it was like wading into an unfamilar jungle in Southeast Asia and how confident he felt with his blaster by his side and his armor securely strapped on.

B. Episode One sucked every form of ass.

Another cunning point. However, I would contend that while The Phantom Menace was indeed something of an abomination and will be a blight on George Lucas' tombstone, it was still not a BAD movie. You have seen BAD movies. They are the movies that never get released in theatres, the straight-to-video epics charting the careers of Paulie Shore, Dolph Lundgren, and Carrot Top. They are the Shannon Tweed thrillers, the Ricardo Montalban melodramas, the movies created by musicians, athletes, and professional wrestlers. They are not movies with midgets. Episode One, my friends, for all its many faults, was blessed by the fleeting presence of a few midget greats, including a cameo by the beloved Warwick Davis, and thus can holds its hideous head high among the movies that are, at heart, GOOD.

Also, consider the:

For purposes of cinematic greatness, Ray Park shall count as a midget. Anyone that bad-ass HAS to count as a midget.

Now, with the explanations and corollaries well-understood by you, my beloved public, I think you would agree with me that all these movies have been edified and certified in the annals of greatness by the presence of midgets. Allow me to make a few references to other movies which feature midgets that bring grace and greatness to the silver screen:

UHF with the beloved Billy Barty as Noodles Macintosh.

The Leprechaun series, the most hilarious horror movies of all time, with Warwick Davis sneering and cackling his way towards cinematic immortality.

Total Recall, Men in Black, and Mom and Dad Save the World, all of which feature the deightful Debbie Lee Carrington in pivotal roles.

And, of course, Moulin Rouge, with the beautiful Kiruna Stamell, whom I am certain will go far in this business. Also, this movie featured a singularly great performance by John Leguizamo as Toulouse-Latrec, in which Leguizamo, a shortish and wiry but otherwise average-sized human, was made into a wonderfully dissipated dwarf. This speaks to the:

Any time a normal-sized actor can be made to look like a midget in a convincing fashion, he shall count as at least half-a-midget for purposes of accounting the film's greatness.

There, my friends. The proof is in the pudding, and the pudding is full of midgets. Delightful midgets. Don't simply take my well-educated and erudite word for it, by all means. Go out into the world and seek out all the great movies with midgets in them. Notice the eerie way they constantly show up. There's the midget who serves as Al Capone's bellboy in The Untouchables. Verne Troyer's delightful bit in the Austin Powers flicks and the midgets from Who-Ville in The Grinch Who Stole Christmas. Warwick Davis pops up in Gulliver's Travels, the last decent thing Ted Danson ever touched.

Billy Barty, who died in 2000, had been performing since 1931, and acted alongside W.C. Fields, James Cagney (in A Midsummer Night's Dream, no less), Elvis Presley in Harum-Scarum, and Eric Idle, Jackie Chan, and Sylvester Stallone in Burn, Hollywood, Burn. He played babies, midgets, clowns, wizards, cameramen, and monsters. He was in Day of the Locust, Masters of the Universe, and The RadioLand Murders. My personal favorite work of his was Under the Rainbow, a comedic take on the making of The Wizard of Oz featuring Chevy Chase and Carrie Fisher. All conneiseurs of film, not just those who love the Little People, will miss this true giant of the screen.

For more information, much of which will be significantly more relevant to your life than this, please visit this talent agency for dwarfs or, better yet, the Billy Barty Foundation. I always feel like an insensitive cad after reading Billy's introduction, but I can't help but use the term "midgets". It's the traditional, and yes, insensitive word for dwarf actors, who actually prefer the term "Little People." If I'm ever lucky enough to meet Warwick Davis, you can be damn sure I'll call him nothing but "sir."

- It's a Small Wheel After All

*****

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