Wheel! Of! FISH!

It's not Filching ... it's Tradition!

2002-04-11 - 2:27 p.m.

I have decided to dedicate today's column to a gimmick which has already appeared in Heph's holy writ and Actionhero's war journal. So since those two are my grand-patron and my patron in the devotion of that flamingly frosty harlot Clio, I feel obligated to continue what is, to be certain, a devastatingly funky trend. And I am nothing if not funky. I'm so funky that I'm on the OSHA list of hazardous substances. I'm so hip that I have difficulty walking. I'm so cool that I can be used to set Jell-O.

And now I'm going to be your President.

Why should we elect you?

As if there's any question. Allow me to categorize:

I'm a debonair lunatic with no respect for ancient and revered traditions ... such as the tradition of not giving money out to every voter who signs a contract stating that they'll vote for me.

I'm colorful ... I'll make good press, with immortal sound bytes such as: "Like my fragging UNCLE you're going to cut from Medicare to purchase more B-2s, biz-nitch!!"

I'm cheap and easy ... I'll do walk-ons on all the hit TV shows. I'll work deals with the makers my favorite products and cut ads for them as long as they endorse me: "Red Devil - The Official Mind-Altering Energy Drink of Presidential Candidates". I'll make a surprise appearance on WWF Monday Night Raw and win the Hardcore Title. Then I'll force everyone -- the press, my assistants, all my opponents in debates -- to refer to me as "WWF Hardcore Champion Wheel."

I'm a dangerously liberal peacenik who believes in equality under all circumstances and the value of entertainment in one's daily life coupled with a hope for the future.

I'm John F. Kennedy stirred up with Bugs Bunny, a touch of Robin Williams and just a soupēon of Ralph Nader.

How would you raise money for your campaign?

Endorsements, mainly, plus I'd start taking a fee for walk-ons on shows that I didn't care for. I'd do "The Simpsons" for free, of course.

Also, I would use my excellent credit history to apply for dozens of credit cards with $2500-$5000 credit limits, and then max them all out with cash advances. I'd pay back the debt later with either the NSA's black budget or by selling off monuments to presidents I don't like, such as the Andrew Jackson Memorial. I'd sell that sucker to Coca-Cola like THAT.

What are your campaign slogans?

"Dark Secrets Wither in the Light of Freedom"

"No More Damned Secrets"

"Free Speech, Free Religion, Free Press, Free Love, Free Bag of Cash with Every Vote"

"WHATCHA GONNA DO WHEN WHEELMANIA RUNS WILD ON YOU?"

"I Have Your Cat."

My campaign songs would be Aretha Franklin's "Freedom" and Jimi Hendrix's "Voodoo Child". My theme song would not be "Hail to the Chief", but rather Breaking Point's "One of a Kind".

Which of your activities would present the greatest challenge to your spin doctors?

Aside from kidnapping the cats of recalcitrant voters, my Mr. Clean crew might have trouble with my habit of relentless listing the various conspiracies my opponents are involved with and which government secrets I intend to drag out into the light of day.

The fact that I would insist on calling myself "Wheel" without legally changing my name might be a hassle.

Also, they might have trouble with my controversial "I Hate You All Immensely and Since I Can't Kill You I'm Going to Hit You with These Cream Pies Filled with Centipedes" speech given before the directors of the World Trade Organization.

How much personal information do voters have the right to know about you?

Absolutely everything. My policy is going to be complete openness. They can even arrange interviews with my parents, my grade school teachers, and old friends, or hear taped reminiscences by dialing a toll-free number.

What would be your favorite presidential perk?

Instant access. To everything. And everyone.

And if I called up CNN and told them about a conspiracy I suspected, I know it would make the damned news.

The all-night free room service isn't a bad deal, either.

Name one person you'd appoint to office.

Ray Park would be the Guiding Fist of my Templars, the group of bodyguards/zealots I would create to replace the Secret Service, who would be reassigned en masse to the Forestry Service.

Hunter S. Thompson would be White House Chief of Staff, Press Secretary, and I would finally make him Governor of American Samoa.

Robert Anton Wilson would be Secretary of State and would also be assigned to the new cabinet post I would create, "Lord of the All-Seeing Eye", and would be in charge of destroying the Office of Homeland Security, scattering the Central Intelligence Agency to the winds, and dismantling the National Security Administration.

Ralph Nader gets to be Secretary of the Interior, Bruce Sterling and the Viridians would be the collective heads of the Department of Energy, and Julieclipse would be head of education.

What the biggest problem in the world and how would you fix it?

Secrets. And the people who keep them. Not only would I would I tear apart all the organizations that have led this move into darkness, I would rip open the National Archives. The Freedom of Information Act would be revamped as the Total Freedom of Information Act. Over $20 billion would be poured into creating a completely accessible - by Internet, phone, mail, personal access - archive of EVERY government document, going back to the First Continental Congress.

Every official would be interrogated and any secret which had been the object of evidence destruction would be commited to the archive as a typed and taped transcript of the interrogation session.

If I, or any of my cabinet members were assassinated, then within 5 minutes everyone on a very special, very public list would join us in the Great Beyond, and Langley would be nuked. Keep the little bastards in line.

Second in line would be destroying the ridiculous amount of financial disparity in America, socializing health care and making it universally accessible at all levels, and forcing any chain restaurant that wanted to stay in business to feed everyone below a certain income line for free.

Write the first news headlines about your administration.

CIA-NSA-OHS-ONI DISMANTLED IN OPERATION LIGHT OF DAY

PRESIDENT REVEALS WHO KILLED KENNEDY

PRESIDENT OPENS HANGAR AT AREA 51, FINDS JIMMY HOFFA

PRESIDENT WHEEL DEFENDS HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP AGAINST MICK FOLEY, ARIEL SHARON, YASSIR ARAFAT IN 4-WAY DANCE

PUBLIC SCHOOLS FUNDED WITH DEFENSE BUDGET, "BUT IT'S STILL OPTIONAL," SAYS PREZ

NO ONE GOES TO BED HUNGRY TONIGHT

What persons--living, dead, or fictional--would you model yourself after?

John F. Kennedy, Bugs Bunny, Robin Williams, Ralph Nader, Kilgore Trout, Danny Casolaro, Jim Garrison, Eliot Ness, Dick Tracy, Spider Jerusalem, Mick Foley, Jesus of Nazareth, the White Knight, Elvis Presley, Benjamin Disraeli, Sherlock Holmes, William Randolph Hearst, Zorro, "Weird" Al Yankovic, Hulk Hogan, Doctor Doom, Winston Churchill, Clint Eastwood, Shaft, Space Ghost, Wild Bill Irwin, Wild Bill Hickock, Doc Holliday, St. John, St. Catherine, St. Jude, Hermes Trimegistus, the Great God Pan, Teddy Roosevelt, Eugene V. Debs, El Mariachi, and the Flaming Carrot.

What books would be White House reading?

The Illuminatus! Trilogy, the Book of the SubGenius, the King James Bible, my comic collection, and everything by Vonnegut.

What would you legalize?

Practically every-damn-thing.

Cocaine and its brothers would be regulated by a new wing of the FDA, and anything completely destructive, like crack and PCP, would be only available in 6-month to 6-year rehab clinics, and then only at the beginning of treatment.

Cannabis would be distributed by mail, and I'd have a massive grant available to companies seeking ways to make it more easily available.

Prostitution would not only be legal, but it would be perfected. Licenses, training, free medical clinics, packets of instructional literature to share with clients, nice buildings to work in. It'd all be under Labor and OSHA.

Gambling would be universal, but I'd leave it up to the FTC to make sure the house was laying even odds. No, even better, I'd make the top five Mafia families a government branch, the Department of Entertainment, and they'd only receive their money if they personally made sure the house was clean. Enforcement for these rules would be in their capable hands.

Personal crypto would be legal. Telemarketing would not be.

Hacking would be encouraged, and computer security upgrades would be free for every company, as a tax write-off, to encourage a healthy battle of wits for the hackers.

Proprietary data would be a meaningless term, since secrets would be illegal. THAT's a free market. No secret recipes. No secretly getting around government regulations. NOTHING is secret. My cadre of government computer security investigators would help assure this.

Firearms sales are banned. You can buy them -- as long as they're pistols or single-shot rifles or shotguns -- overseas, as long as your documentation checks out with Customs. You get $5,000 for each gun you turn into the Firearms Recycling Project, which converts them into playground equipment, but there's no obligation. Conviction for use of a firearm in an assault, a robbery, or a murder means a lifetime in prison, first time, no appeal.

Financial incentives and a government advisory body to provide supplies are available for homeschoolers.

What three objects must you have in the Oval Office at all times?

My microfilms of the recovered CIA/NSA documents, my bust of Baron von Munchausen, and my personal 'droid assistant, Asimov.

Who would get an invite to stay in the Lincoln bedroom?

Anyone who wants to. The White House would serve as a hostel, and I'd build my own damned house. I get the Kennedy Room, though.

Additional note: I understand that fiend Padraig announced his candidacy shortly after my plank hit the airwaves and moreover, that he is trying to ride my amazingly spectacular and purely original "No Secrets" ticket to the Oval Office. I would like to remind all the voters that while I like nothing more than a good clean fight, I have much better shoes than Padraig. Vote for me!