2003-11-25 - 1:13 p.m.

Ye gods and little fishies, I can barely speak the words ...

I've ... lost my Ninja Turtles lunchbox.

What am I to do?

What hope is there for me, and yea, for the rest of frail, non-mutagenized, un-ninjitsu-trained, shell-less humanity?

I'll tell you: NONE.

Without these bold four-color Chinese gods of fortune to save us from the inauspicious machinations of the clanking purple automatons of the Foot Clan, we have no hope except the cool embrace of the darkness that comes after our stabbity deaths.

I am reminded of a ... a song ...

Without my Ninja Turtle lunchbox, I just ...

Oh.

Wait.

It's over there, under the kitchen table.

Well, I'd better make lunch.

Later ...

Man, I love this. The clink of the jam jar as I swirl my knife around in the gleaming rainbow pearlescence of the apricot preserve ...

The unearthly richness of the peanut butter as it smooths over the rough wheat bread.

The gentle cold smell of apples from the crisper, round and icy wet and heavy in the hand.

It almost makes me wish I was taking this lunch somewhere other than the dusty Monastery of Unnecessary Knowledge.

"Why, yes, sir! We DO have a copy of Bernard Goldberg's diatribe against the American media's efforts to cover our overseas military efforts! Here's your copy of Arrogance! Might I suggest Robert Bork's lambasting of everyone who does not embrace the ideals of Norman Rockwell, Ronald Reagan, and Ming the Merciless, Slouching Towards Gomorrah, as an apertif? Or perhaps we could just cut to the chase and get you a leatherbound Mein Kampf? "

Bah.

At least I've got something exciting to do at work today, after spending all of yesterday dragging tables around the store and moving six metric tons of books between the moved tables just for the sheer delight of that. We'll be moving them back in a few weeks.

But today ... today I'm running zone maintenance on the Business section. Ah, such titles I've already come across! What Color is Your Parachute?. How to Profit from a Depression. Why Not to Trust Your Employees. And my personal favorites, in the Motivation section ... a list of titles teaching you important business lessons from great historical figures. Aside from the classics like Sun Tzu and Henry Ford, now you can learn the lessons of General George Patton and Queen Elizabeth I, which will really come in handy for maneuvering assets and building a financial empire.

Or pick up The Leadership Lessons of Atilla the Hun and really wow them at the next quarterly seminar when you rush in with your hand picked horde and lay waste to the conference hall, torching the racks of programs and synergy pamphlets, hauling off huge sacks of complimentary raisin bagels and strawberry doughnuts, and dragging lithe secretaries off by their perfumed ringlets.

No, seriously. It's a real book.

As is the seminal work Mao in the Boardroom, which teaches you all those important lessons of corporate etiquette that only a Communist guerilla who never bathed and set his army to hunting teachers and the elderly can offer. The picture on the front, in the style of an old Thousand Flowers poster, of Mao in a power tie is particularly inspiring.

Or perhaps you'd be better off skipping a few steps and getting a copy of Jesus, CEO ... because if there's one man who can teach you what you need to know about the cut-throat world of international business and oppressing the working masses, it's a man who was nailed to a tree for talking glowingly about the distribution of wealth and offered us a glimpse of what the world would be like if everyone wasn't a bastard.

The world could be a much better place if CEOs were remotely familiar with anything Jesus had said, or even aware that Jesus had ever actually said ANYthing. But there's not an executive in America who doesn't subscribe to Middle Class Churchianity, which holds true to the belief that Jesus was born as a wooden crucifix from the immaculate womb of his mother, the statue, and that he spends all his time hanging on that cross, approving of every bomb we drop.

Ahhh. Yeah. Well, look at the time. Better get on my bike and pedal off to peddle my wares.

In conclusion, I hate you all.

No. No, I'm just bitter.

I don't hate ALL of you.

Or do I?

*****

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