Wheel! Of! FISH!

Dean of Elections

2003-09-30 - 1:57 a.m.

Fellow citizens.

Certain rogue elements in our society ... let us call them, "psychotic little trenchcoat-wearing joker smokers" ... would have you, the assumedly uninformed voter, believe that Howard Dean is some sort of pachyderm in equine clothing, a conservative serpent issuing Kennedy platitudes while snitching away your dear old mother's Social Security payments to pay for his latest underaged hooker.

This action-packed and pseudo-heroic political commentator would furthermore have you believe that former NATO commander General Wesley Clark would be a suitable alternative. While untried in any "general" election, General Clark has certainly had his share of political experience, as evidenced from his May 2001 speech heralding the leadership of the Republican party as the saviors of the new millenium, particularly the GOP's favorite son, the insightful and bold President George W. Bush.

But it's not fair to use a man's political past against him. Wesley Clark simply had a change of heart and decided to put his money down on the counter while the betting was hot. The Elephant's vast weight of corruption is finally dragging them down and the spirited Donkey is on the run.

Speaking of political pasts, a word on Howard Dean's: Dean, as governor of Vermont, spearheaded educational initiatives (by contrast to the unfunded mandate that has Left Every Child Behind under Bush), corporate bankruptcy reform, and innumerable environmental projects. He has vociferously supported the Kyoto Treaty which was backhanded like a two-dollar hooker by Bush (and which, to be fair, General Clark might've heard about on the news once) and, along with the National Governor's Association, forwarded plans to allow states more control over initiating Superfund clean-ups of "brownfields", abandoned or undeveloped industrial sites that litter the northeast and south.

Governor Dean encourages the use of trade tariffs to enforce respect for international human rights and environmental standards, and has forwarded the idea that the monolithic World Trade Organization must be open to investigation and held to rigorous human rights standards. He wants stronger economic and social ties with Canada, health insurance coverage for every American to bring us up to the standards of the industrialized world, and a free flow of immigration. He wants to reform Bush's top-level tax cuts and invest the money in social spending, to invest federal funds in the development of small businesses, and to bring U.S. troops home and spend military budgets on improving infrastructure. He support's President Clinton's plan for Israel and the Arab nations of the Middle East, the same plan that led to the most lasting peace in that nation's history. He plans to focus on renewable energy, recognizing the coming crisis in petroleum fuels ... return the United States to the global community with apologies to the United Nations for Bush's humiliating efforts ... stop building prisons and invest in social programs ... and try desperately to save what's left of Social Security while maintaining block grant funding

Yeah. What an absolute bastard.

On the other hand, there's Wesley Clark. He's a general, with quite a few notches in his belt after his action in Kosovo. He was a Republican loyalist who has switched sides after the military started publically lambasting Bush. He is, admittedly, backed by the Clintons as a fellow Arkansasan, and all his quotes currently on record follow rigorously along the Democratic party line.

Howard Dean is not perfect. He wants to invest more money in the War on Drugs, and his only quotes on gun control are that he wants to stop creating new gun laws and create a system for enforcing the ones currently on the books, especially with regards to gun show licensing. This is not nearly stringent enough for my tastes, but Governor Dean has also publically stated that unless Democrats are willing to restrain themselves on gun laws, they can never hope to regain the Democratic bloc in the South and the West.

That's politics. Dean is a politician. He is an honorable family man with an intense devotion to the environment and to this nation's future. He has also fought bitter battles in the Northeast, the most vicious and venomous and old-blooded political arena America has to offer. He knows how to play the Great Game, but more importantly, he knows when to fall back and when to collapse the lines. He's a soldier with a blazingly high IQ, a winning smile, and cool composure. He knows the weaknesses of the poisonous Shrub and he, unlike almost all the other ghosts, non-entities, and ranting Dennies in this race, can take down the Machine.

So put your faith in a doddering, traitorous, backwater general with no ideas and a good publicist if you want. Buy into the half-coherent hype of uninformed krusties. Or ... or ... take your one, pitiful, shining little cracked crystal teardrop of a vote, and try to save this damned country.