2002-04-13 - 3:44 p.m.

The scene: a press conference at the headquarters of the Reformed Silly Party, the magnificent political machine backing candidate Wheel, the man currently carrying a solid 25% of the vote in a four-way tie. The candidate is resplendent today, wearing a long and voluminous purple and golden robe which trails ten feet behind him and billows all around, moved by hidden fans. He reaches into the lectern, removes a sheaf of notes, and clears his throat. The logo of the Reformed Silly Party – a dead parrot dressed as Uncle Sam against a blue, starry background – graces the front of the podium. Candidate Wheel gazes at the press with an earnest expression.

Wheel: Ladies and gentlemen of the press ...

There is an audible hush as the press all lean forward en masse to hear what this unusually striking and charismatic man has to say about the most recent political debacles.

Wheel: I regret to announce ...

The press babbles with audible shock, and a few reporters from CNN begin their breaking report on the unexpected resignation of Candidate Wheel.

Wheel: ... that you are all now prisoners of the NEFARIOUS DR. VON WHEEL!

But there is little these hapless camera-jockeys and pen-monkeys can do, as the doors to the press room are suddenly sealed by slamming titanium gates, each bearing a grim logo: a "W" superimposed in spiky jags over the Earth. Candidate Wheel throws off his robe to reveal a purple tunic andd leggings printed with evil parrots and a suit of golden mechanoid armor underneath! His gauntlets hum with nefarious energies, and strange prismatic bolts crackle out and shatter the cameras of ABC and TNN! Dr. von Wheel slips a pair of purple mirrorshades on and cackles menacingly.

Dr. von Wheel: FOOLS! Did you honestly expect me to run a FAIR campaign? I, who have devoted my life to the studies of the very COGS that run the secret engines in the darkest hearts of society? HOPE NO MORE! The Bilderbergers are my pawns! The Rothschilds are my ice-cream men! The Vanderbilts shine my shoes! The CIA are the copy boys at my NEFARIOUS newspaper! The Mafia deliver my pizzas! McDonald's only gives breaks to ME! BURGER KING AND FRANK SINATRA'S GHOST ONLY DO IT MY WAY!

More triumpant cackles ring out as the members of the press cower in fear. Towering robots which all look disturbinglyly like Jim Woodring's Frank come tromping in, carrying huge boards with nails in them. Shady men in trenchcoats with fedoras slung so low that their faces are mere black pools with triangular golden eyes peering out merge out of the shadows, carrying blasters and arcane weaponry. Ninjas rappel down from the vaulted ceiling as lightning crashes in through the high arched windows and strikes Dr. von Wheel's upraised energy gauntlets, limning him with crackling energy as he continues bellowing.

Dr. von Wheel: MI-5 are at my beck and MI-6 are at my call! The Trilateral Commission only exists to bring DOUGHNUTS to my secret meetings! The Masons repair the sheetrock in my master bedroom! The Illuminati screw in my lightbulbs! The Templars hand out the hymnal sheets, dry flatbread and grape juice at my church! BEWARE, MORTALS! DR. VON WHEEL IS IN CONTROL! I HAVE THE POWER!

Bold, hardened Beltway veterans break down in tears, dissolving like gelatin in a nuclear holocaust as the mad supervillain makes his intentions clear. Humanity is doomed to a life of Wheeldom. Reports come in over the reporter satellite links. Washington has fallen to a lightning attack by a wave of mimes and organ grinders. New York is now trapped beneath a huge pastry shell. San Francisco has been surrounded by pygmies with artillery-grade blowguns. Los Angeles has been turned into an enormous carrot through some arcane 14th-century Romanian spellcraft.

The entirety of Russia has fallen to the wrath of an army of clones of professional wrestlers, and the Rock rules in Moscow. England has been folded up into a small suitcase which is lost at the airport in Oslo. Belgium is under siege by enormous sentient waffles. Carnivorous Volkswagens roam the streets of Germany freely. The pyramids of Egypt have risen up on huge monolithic legs, opened up enormous crystal eyes and are tromping across the sands, blazing heat rays from their terrible gaze and bringing peace to the Middle East the hard way. South America has been taken by the Incas led by the ghost of Che Guevara and backed by hordes of sentient jaguars.

France surrendered a week ago, although no one knew why at the time. They can smell trouble.

The candidate calmly taps his notes on the platform and inclines his head to the shrieking, weeping, cowering press.

Dr. von Wheel: I would like to thank the ladies and gentlemen of the press for attending, and bid my honorable and worthy opponents the best of luck in their future endeavors, such as trying not to get eaten by the heavily-armed velociraptor assassins who are even now approaching their homes. Thank you, and good night.

Tremendous applause.

*****

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