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2002-09-27 - 9:54 p.m.
Threat for the Week: "Do you want double meat, double cheese, and extra bacon with that?" Greetings, children of the Revolution. All right, citizens. I've begun my stalwart double-digits-per-hour work substitute teaching, largely for Booker Middle School. Middle school is of course the worst of all possibilities, since the students have funneled the whole of their youthful pliable natures into a rigid herdlike conformity, but they aren't old enough to have developed anything approaching an interesting personality. The kids who don't want to be in school have not been culled yet, and most of the kids who are actually smart enough to whip their way through the tummel that passes for work are suffering from that ridiculously infectious paranoia; a whispering voice telling them that to do anything which deviates from the common mentality -- and believe me, it's QUITE common -- will be to terminate any possibility of happiness now and forevermore. At Booker Middle, it's even more pronounced because of the vast number of kids coming from lower-income families, who carry stones around their necks and chips on their shoulders. These kids can ONLY find safety in numbers. Nonetheless, I quite enjoy it. So, to celebrate my much-anticipated departure -- two weeks, Papa Legba, two weeks -- from the hallowed sticky halls of Subway, I've decided to give you all a taste of the wonders of that job with this little short-answer test. 1. You: Welcome to Subway! What can I get for you? Person A: I want ... um ... um ... um .... You: Would you like a sandwich? Person A: Naw, naw ... I want ... um ... um ... um ... You: A salad, perhaps? Person A: Naw, naw, I want ... um ... um ... um ... You: Some cookies? Person A: Naw, naw ... I want ... um ... um ... um ... You: Maybe a drink to start with? Person A: Naw, naw ... I want ... um ... um ... um ... You: Can you at least get out of the way of the fifteen people behind you while you're deciding? Person A: YOU SON OF A BITCH! YA'LL TRYIN' TA KICK ME OUTTA LINE! I KNOW MY RIGHTS! I WANNA SEE THE MANAGER! You: Response? 2.You: And what veggies can I get you on this? Person B: I want everything. You: Everything? Person B: Everything. You: All right, that's onions ... Person B: No onions. You: Oh. All right. Lettuce and tomatoes ... Person B: I hate lettuce. And no tomatoes. You: Oh ... kay. No problem. So, cucumbers and pickles ... Person B: No. You: Olives ... Person B: Ugh! You: Green peppers, banana peppers, and jalapeo peppers ... Person B: Jesus, man, are you kidding me? That's disgusting! You: ... so, what DO you mean by "everything"? Person B: Do you have mushrooms? You: Response? 3.You: Would you like any cookies? Person C: No, no cookies. You: Are you sure? You've been staring at the cookie case for 10 minutes. And I have to put it away for the night since it's 12:55 AM and we're closing in five minutes and you took half an hour to order your six-inch sandwich. Person C: I'm sure. No cookies. You: Very well. I'll be right back. I have to put the heavy, unwieldy cookie case in the walk-in refrigerator at the back of the store. [returning] Wow, that was heavy and unwieldy! Well, we have a six-inch veggie delight and a small drink ... that'll be $5.34. Person: Here's six. You: [making change] Person: And twelve cookies. You: Response? 4.You: So you want a six-inch parmesan oregano ... what kind of sandwich? Person D: Steak. And I want triple meat, triple cheese, and six pieces of bacon, and put the mayonnaise on the bread first and some olives and heat the whole thing. You: Very good, madam. [vomiting inwardly at the thought of microwaved mayonnaise, you follow the person's gruesome wishes] Person D: And put half a bottle of oil and some southwest sauce and some banana peppers on it and crumble up two white chocolate macadamia nut cookies and put them on it. You: Right. Good. That'll beeee ... $10.16. Person D: WHAT? The sandwich is only $4.99, you lying bastard! You: Yes, ma'am. And with triple meat at $.59 per layer and triple cheese at $.25 cents for every 2 slices and triple bacon at $.50 every 2 pieces, and two crumbled cookies at $.52 apiece ... Person D: You have to pay for that sh*t? Forget it, I don't want it. You: Response? 5.Person E: I want a six-inch meatball on Italian bread. You: Very good. [bending down to bread cabinet, returning with fresh-baked loaf.] Person E: Not dat one. It don' look fresh. You: Oh. No problem. [getting on heat pads, pulling steaming bread directly from oven, half-done] Person E: Is dat soft? You: It just came out of the oven. You watched me pull it out. Person E: Don't get smart wit' me. Is it soft? You: Yes. Person E: And fresh? You: Yes. Person E: And soft? You: Yes. Person E: I'll take it. Put some mayonnaise on the bread first. In diagonal stripes. And one wavy line of mustard right down the center, one-third spicy mustard, one-third honey mustard, and one-third regular mustard. And then dust the bread with garlic salt, but only four and a half shakes. And then put six meatballs on it, and don't charge me for extra meat because extra meat is four meatballs. And then five spoonfuls of sauce, but don't let any run off the bread. And then four onions, seventeen pickles, and a tomato cut into fifths. Put oregano and black pepper on two of the meatballs, parmesan on one of the others, and everything except salt on the rest, but don't get any on the one with parmesan. And then oil and vinegar on the outside of the bread, and put a piece of cheese cut into fifths on top, cut it into seven pieces, and heat it up. You: That'll be ... fine ... would you mind repeating some of that as we go along? Person E: F*ck you, man! I want what I paid for! You: You haven't paid yet. Person E: F*ck you, man! Do what I tell you! You: Response? ... If you answered anything other than: BANG! for every question, you are welcome to take my job. - Wheel there be extra cheese on that? 
 
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