Wheel! Of! FISH!

Want to salsa, Mr. Man?

2002-07-24 - 2:05 p.m.

Soundtrack: "Scapegoats" by Chumbawumba

Threat for the Week?: "I'm gonna leave you tied up in a bird sanctuary wearing a pair of peanut-butter contact lenses."

I am eminently employable.

I am qualified for thousands of jobs.

I possess qualities which will guarantee me a life of ease, reclining on vast piles of foreign currency with steel-eyed hashishins guarding me, fingering their laser scimitars while a conga line of pygmies feed me a single rare delicacy at a time.

I am cunning.

I know the secrets.

I have the charm.

I have the Touch, the Look, the Eye of the Tiger, the Power of Greyskull, the Matrix of Cybertron, the Knowledge which is half the battle, the Scroll in my belly which is bitter despite its sweetness in my mouth, the Killer Instinct, the Nose for News, the Glint, the Heart, and the really nice shoes.

I am a well-adjusted son of a strongly middle-middle class suburban family of caucasians, the oldest son of the 2.5 children of a pair of non-dysfunctional servants of the Civil.

I have no major disfiguring or communicable diseases. I can tie several types of knots and know all 7400 answers to Trivial Pursuit Classic.

I have a degree. It is shiny.

I have been employed by a wide range of moneyed fatcats, ranging from the recently-bankrupt Regal Cinemas, Inc. to the recently-Europurchased Ben and Jerry's, Inc. I have extensive experience working with all manner of people, often handing them things in exchange for money.

I have a dazzling smile.

I appreciate music of all sorts. I own a hand-painted tie with a giraffe on it.

Cubicles give me hives, but a window view of a bustling street fills me with the intense drive to finish my work at a higher standard than ever expected.

I am capable of making small talk for eight consecutive hours, listening intently OR pretending to listen convincingly.

I am willing to lie, to lie down, to lie around, to lay down lives (although likely not mine), to lay traps, and to eat any number of Lay's potato products.

If I can watch something being done often enough, I can do it.

I am warm, accepting, effusive, and sparkly.

I am not now, nor have I ever been, involved in any sort of fight club.

I am willing to sign writs assuring future employers that I will not bring explosives to work.

I am willing to sign writs assuring future employers that I will always bring explosives to work.

I am so flexible that my osteostructure is made from Silly Putty.

My actions are always affirmative.

I will make sure the customer gets everything he deserves.

I only rarely walk away with merchandise worth more than $150.

I can eat an entire deli case of cubed cheese and ham bits, making certain that no bothersome cleanup is needed for employee parties.

I will happily follow the sterling tradition of the American government and salsa dance all over the Bill of Rights for a handful of filthy lucre.

I am willing to tie people up and send them to sleep with the fishes, or beat people with fish and send them to sleep.